I can’t tell you how many dreams bounce through my head, and how many times I get super inspired by those dreams because of positive quotes and whatnot, only to be forced to push them aside for things that put food on the table and roof over our heads. This must be that whole “American Dream” thing…
So, first, I’m going to make myself feel better about why I haven’t posted anything in months, and, then, I’m going to suck it up and acknowledge that as long as I keep making excuses, I’ll continue to not do the things I love.
So, I haven’t written in months for 2 main reasons: one, the school year is always incredibly busy especially with a 3rd grader who insists that every activity is her life, and, two, IVF just about kicked my ass. Unfortunately, our first IVF cycle was unsuccessful, and I’ve processed the loss of “our son that will never be” (the only embryos we have left are girls), and I’ve made the choice, as I always to do, to keep moving forward (name that movie!). Honestly, it’s been hard, but since I always knew it was a possibility, it made the sting of it all just a little bit softer. It also helped that my father imparted many words of wisdom upon me growing up, but there’s one he always said that has made more of an impact on my life and emotional well-being than any other. Whenever I would get uncontrollably pissed off, he’d look at me and say, “Is being mad and dwelling on that anger going to change anything?” 9 times out of 10, the answer is no, it won’t. To which he’d reply, “It’s okay to have those feelings, but dwelling on them for too long only only hurts yourself.” So, with everything, I try to remember that- I get mad/sad/whatever negative emotion I’m feeling, I process it, and I move on. Lots of people don’t understand how I can bounce back from devastating news as if nothing ever happened, but it’s because I learned how to cope- maybe in a way that is too different for most people to understand.
So, that I’ve made myself feel better, let’s all acknowledge what I suck at-
I’m really not good at it if it’s not the job that pays me even if I love it more than said job. And I used IVF and the school year as my justifiable reason for not doing what I love- excuses are my jam. But that’s the thing, excuses are so incredibly easy for us to make- clearly, I’ve been making them since the summer. For me, I was perfectly okay using my excuses as reasons to be lazy, but you never get anywhere in life with out being proactive. And, honestly, I was doing really well on the whole writing thing, and even had like 20 draft posts saved (still do), and then life happened, and I made a choice to give myself a hiatus (read- make excuses, so I’d feel better about just playing games on my computer rather than actual things to better myself).
You see, I have this problem where I stretch myself so thin that I often can’t keep everything straight especially when my actual responsibilities pop up, and I push aside everything I WANT to do for everything I HAVE to do. I have so many hobbies and interests that it’s almost like they fluctuate throughout the year like the seasons, but I never stop loving them. I really just need to learn how to better manage my time and calendar. I need to figure out how I want my evenings to look, and I need to figure out how I can do that with another IVF cycle and the rest of the school year still looming ahead of me. Because I’ll sit here and say, “I’m going to do it”, and I think, ‘oh, putting it in writing obviously means I’ll follow through’, but, clearly, not even that holds me accountable. I know I’m the one who needs to hold me accountable, but, for whatever reason, I’m not a good motivational coach for myself for long-term goals.
Frankly, I need what people call “an accountability partner”- someone to be like, “hey, you, get it together”.
Any help on that area would not only be welcome, but greatly appreciated…
for real though…